A Moment of Clarity

Large life decisions are funny things.  You can brood over something for a week straight.  You can pray, meditate, try not to think about, try to think about it more, make pro/con lists, consult various mentors, whine to various friends, and generally sulk, but in the end, sometimes all it takes is a small moment of clarity.

I was lying in bed with Ponyboy and Cherry this evening, waiting for them fall asleep, when suddenly I realized what my problem has been.  Grad school doesn’t feel right to me.  Spending several years shut up with literature doesn’t feel right to me.  Deciding at twenty-one to devote my life to academia doesn’t feel right to me.

And in my experience, when things don’t feel right, and I ignore them, I regret that decision later on.

All I know, I thought as I listened to the kids’ breaths slow and even out, is that I want to see what the world has to offer me.  I want to travel, be independent, work interesting jobs, and meet interesting people, I want to write for me, and not necessarily for a class.  I want to do the kinds of things you can only do when you’re young and solo.

I’m still taking the GRE.  I’m not ruling graduate school out entirely.  But I do want to give myself a fair chance to explore before I make a long-term commitment.

The undecided English major is back, friends.  Let the stereotype continue, and let the good times roll.


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